custom epitaph

I don’t really know how we got onto the conversation, but on one of our romantic Taco Bell dates my husband and I were discussing what my tombstone would read.  (My brain goes in odd directions, so I’m sure I brought it up!)  We decided it might read “one idea too many”. 

This week I was typing medical reports, and the doctor used the word assiduous.  I have decided I would like that chiseled on my tombstone, please.   

Assiduous:  Constant in application or attention, diligent, persistent, unceasing. 

A lot of times I sit down to write a note to you, and all of my gunk comes out.  The failures, discouragement, and reaching for hope.  But I hope through all of the sighing, shoulder-sagging words you see me as assiduous. 

Hebrews 10:36 says, “You need to persevere, so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” 

When it’s my turn to push up daisies (who thought up that phrase?), I hope the talk is all about my assiduous attention to the will of God -unceasing focus on what he wants me to do every day.  Sticking with it despite the tedium of obedience, despite the discouragement, and despite the failing days.  

Because the promise is life beyond the tombstone, so today I design this custom epitaph that shows what I am really living for.  

What one word do you hope people would choose to describe your life? 

I always...

I feel like I always mess up.  I was starting to have a good cry about it tonight, but before I got to the I-need-a-Kleenex stage, my eyes rested on the trinkets in my hand.

Two weeks in a row I’ve completely embarrassed myself in front of a room full of children and adults at church.  Tonight it was during a number game I was playing on the board.  Really?  My last night of teaching this group of kids for this year, and I had to leave with a grand humiliation over a game?  (A numbers game.  Should have known I was doomed for failure.) 

I always mess up.  So why do these children swarm over and give me these trinkets (treasures, really).  Hugs.  I love how you teach, Mrs. Fitzwater.  Thanks for the stories, Mrs. Fitzwater, especially the one about the dog.  Don’t they know?  Can’t they see all of my mistakes? 

Mother’s day is only a few days away, and I’ve been reading sweet blogs about moms all day long. 

I always, most every day, feel like I am messing up as a mom.  House too dirty.  Too many meals from a wrapper.  Never enough books or games or time playing.  Saying too much at the wrong time.  Saying too little at the right time.  Should have baked more cookies and read more Bible verses and gone on more bike rides.  

But my kids think I’m a good mom.  My oldest leaves me a note saying so.

  

Don’t they know?  Can’t children see all of my mistakes?     

It’s hard to hold onto failure as I hold this hand full of treasures gifted to me this night.  A pen.  A bracelet.  A drawing.  Because they love me, these children do. 

''

“Love covers over all wrongs.” Proverbs 10:12

So look me in the eyes, you who speak I always mess up, and let me tell you –I don’t think you do.  I think your love shines through and puts those little shortcomings in the shadows. 

You don’t always.

your soul and a rototiller

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me

and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139:23-24  NIV)

My friend kindly brought his rototiller over and did all of this hard work.  Yesterday I spent a long time bent over, sifting my hands through that freshly dug dirt and pulling out all the grass and weeds.  One handful at a time.  Moving slowly, because whatever I don’t see and remove now will grow up in my onions and cucumbers and carrots and tomatoes in a few weeks. 

Surely one of the most painful activities of following Christ has been this constant wanting to see my sin.  Asking God to dig deep and root out all those little thoughts and habits that don’t please him.  Sifting through my soul every day to pull out anything that will keep me from having a fruitful life. 

Is there any offensive way in me? 

God is no slouch.  He intends for your soul to be his pristine garden.  Will you invite him to do the tilling?

To Russia

Dear friends in Russia,

I have a statistics page on my blog site that shows some of you in Russia are reading my blog every day.  Do you know how encouraging that is to me?  I wish I could fly over there and meet you!  I just wanted to write you a note and tell you thank you for reading my little blog.  I hope it's encouraging to you.  I would love to hear from you and know some of your stories.  Is it possible for you to leave a comment my blog site (in English!)?  If not, could we be Faceook friends?  Having a connection with you makes me very happy.  May God bless you!

Christy Fitzwater

the dumping grounds

Tacos and talk.  A friend invited me over for lunch yesterday just because I was about to implode from emotional overload.  By the time I left she had to get ice bags for her ears.  She listened to all of it –everything weighing on me that seemed too much to think about all by myself.  She’s a gift giver, but that could possibly be the nicest thing she has ever done for me.

We can’t carry it all by ourselves.   

1 Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 

Dump it. 

My pastor husband has been opening the Bible every Sunday morning and talking to us about grace.  How God has chosen to pour out his grace on people –through people.  How God reveals who he is to a person –through another person. 

Surely God is the greatest listener, if he invites us to bring all that anxiety and weariness and dump it right on him.  I certainly do that all day long.  Prayers over morning cereal.  Prayers in the car.  Prayers over mounds of laundry.  Prayers by the bed. 

But sometimes God sends human ears.  A real person who gets teary with you in one moment and laughs with you in the next.  A real person who speaks the grace of God and puts all that anxiety into perspective.  A real person who listens –and then offers to help with the chores that seem too much.  A real person who puts a taco salad in front of you when you come and clears the dishes for you when you leave. 

Thank God for friends who open up their hearts wide and invite the dumping.